An Unofficial Recap of Donald Trump’s Perfectly Normal Press Conference

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This will be the first in a new recap series called Donald Trump’s Perfectly Normal Press Conferences. Since he may never do a press conference again, it might also be the end of the series.

Scene 1:  An Atrium

White guys in suits bring out piles of manila folders and stack them on a table next to the podium which has a sign on it that says:

Office of the President-Elect

New York, New York

Is that normal? Did Obama have this same sign with Chicago, Illinois on it? I’m not looking for that right now because I don’t care since I’m too fascinated by these guys who are fiddling with folders and trying to look busy.

Guy in blue suit:  I’m sort of done here but I’m going to keep stacking because reporters are trying to peek.

Guy in shirt sleeves:  Let’s mess them up a little. They represent Hard Work.

Guy in blue suit:  These reporters really want to look at them.

Guy in shirt sleeves:  It’s just blank paper inside folders. Get this scary looking guy to guard the table. Also, keep looking busy.

Scary guy: I will scowl and look big so reporters won’t look at all of this blank paper inside of these blank file folders.

Random reporter:  I am very excited about these file folders. Maybe these are…THE TAX RETURNS!

Universe:  LOLOLOLOL

Random reporter:  Kellyanne Conway said that this press conference is so popular that they had to turn away reporters! She always says true things.

Hired extras:  Claps

Reporters:  *look around* Who is clapping?

Kellyanne Conway:  Those are totally not hired extras brought in to make Trump feel popular.

Reporters:  That is a perfectly normal thing to do at a press conference.

Scene 2:  Chatty Anchors Chat

Killing time while the camera zooms in on the podium, the piles of blank folders, and the 10 giant flags, the chatty anchors chat about how this is the first press conference since Donald made that hilarious joke where he asked Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. What’s so funny is that they did!

Then chatty anchors talk about the intelligence dossier released by Buzzfeed.

Anchor 1:  I really, really want to talk about the intelligence dossier so I’m going to say the word ‘unsubstantiated’ 100 times in order to cover my own ass.

Anchor 2:  Yes. Let’s do back flips while spelling out the word ‘unsubstantiated’ in flaming letters.

Anchor 1:  It’s killing me to not talk about pee.

Anchor 2:  Same. *Does backbend and sings ‘unsubstantiated’.

Scene 3:  Power Couple Sighting!

Steve Bannon: I am a genetically superior white man. This constant state of flop sweat is intentional.

Jared Kushner:  You are very sexy with your manly flop sweat. Also, I am going to work for free and make zero dollars because I love my country.

Bannon and Kushner:  LOLOLOLOL *make out*

Scene 4:  Grand Entrance of Future First Family Except for Melania and those Other Kids

Reporter 1:  *whispers* Where’s Melania?

Reporter 2:   Dude. Hookers peed on her husband in a totally unsubstantiated way. Leave her alone.

Donald, Sr, wearing a crisp white shirt, red tie, and a navy coat looks angry but determined with his fresh blowout and tanning bed goggle mask. The coat is very billowy – probably to hide the Kevlar vest and Bannon’s emergency chicken wings.

Eric and Donald, Jr. (I still don’t know which is which but it doesn’t matter) have the same pomaded hairdos but combed in opposite directions. One of them is sporting a pink shirt and blue tie and the other is possibly in a green shirt but he’s hiding behind his sister so I can’t tell.)

Ivanka: I am absolutely not plotting to poison these 3 men. At all.

The scary guy with the scowl is still standing in front of the file folders with the reams of blank paper in them. His face might be stuck in a permanent glowering position so I get distracted thinking about what a few cc’s of Botox would do for his “11” lines.

Scene 5: Sean Spicer!

Spicer, rocking the Giuliani haircut, tiptoes to reach the podium and it’s cute, like he’s doing really well at a spelling bee. Does anyone call him Scooter? They should. He whines for a bit about Mainstream Media and Fake News which are squares in Alt-Right Bingo (tm @NoFilterAlexa I think) and then he conflates the substantiated CNN story with the Buzzfeed story.

Scooter:  Freedom of the Press is important but…

Constitution:  There’s no “but”.

He tells us he’s going to introduce a woman whose law firm is responsible for all of those file folders with the blank paper. A quick Twitter search tells us that this law firm is so awesome that its Moscow branch won Law Firm of the Year. Yay! [I’ve got to hand it to this crowd with their IDGAF attitude about optics.]

Then he goes on a little tear that should be the signal to journalists that it’s okay to report on the unsubstantiated dossier now. He brought it up, y’all, so get to it. Hint: Maybe check into more of the thing that rhymes with Honey Laundering rather than the one that rhymes with Golden Towers.

Scooter yammers on about Fake News and Witch Hunts because of Russia Today talking points then introduces the guy next to him. Mike Pence! Scooter glares at the hired extras.

Hired Extras:  Shit! Sorry we zoned out while you were talking. Yay!

Scene 6:  Mike Pence

Clad in a perfect suit and purple tie with his white Lego guy hair, he looks like he came out of the Romney President Factory. If he would just keep his mouth shut and change his opinion on everything, I would probably like him. He doesn’t seem insane and erratic which is such a relief compared to his boss. But then he blows it with the Fake News blah, blah, blah and I stop loving him.

Close up shot on Donald, Sr. Whoa. He looks nervous. He stares directly into the pool camera and purses up his little lips. It’s chilling. The sons look pissed. Scary bodyguard is giving me a headache. I want to pet his eyebrows.

Back to Pence:

Pence: Freedom of the Press is important but…

Constitution:  Seriously, guys, there’s no “but”.

Scene 7:  DJT Shrek-Walks to Podium

Hired extras:  *shriek and clap*

Reporters: This is not at all like a banana republic.

DJT: *makes weird facial movements* We won the election because I used to give daily press conferences but then I asked Russia to hack Hillary and you guys got all huffy about that so I had to pout for 6 months. Also, my attorney, Michael Cohen, told me to shut fuck up. Hi Mike!

He goes on and on with words and I get another Fake News bingo chip while he threatens the intelligence community and freedom of the press.

DJT:  I have great respect for news and freedom of the press but…

Constitution:  Say “but” one more time. I dare you.

Then he tells the news organizations that didn’t release the unsubstantiated dossier about money laundering and urinating that they were “so professional that I’ve just gone up a notch on what I think of you, okay?” I had to rewind that a few times so I’m not sure I got that exactly right. It’s a weird thing for a dude who’s about to take an oath to protect the FREEDOM OF THE PRESS to say, isn’t it?

Hired extras:  Yeah, baby. Clap clap clap.

Reporters: This is becoming a teensy bit like that time we were in Turkey, amirite?

DJT: I am going to brag about car companies and take credit for things I didn’t do for a minute. Big, big factory. Tremendous. *weird face*

Hang on. How did I not notice that he can’t pronounce words? We are going to make beeyons of dollars on many, many inDUSTries, especially on aeroplanes. Did he always do this? Maybe he’s just nervous about that whole unsubstantiated report about pee and treason. I would be. [Hi, Mike! Notice how I emphasized the unsubstantiated part?]

DJT: *rambles about people nobody has ever heard of*

American People:  Who the hell are Jack Ma and Mr. Arno and why are they so tremendous?

And then he says, without laughing,

“I will be the greatest jobs producer that God ever created. I mean that.”

The level of ridicule that statement requires is way above my pay grade so I’ll leave it to the professional mockers.

DJT: My inauguration is going to have great talent. Tremendous. I don’t care that all of the people with talent hate me.

Reporters:  We should write one thousand words about how he won because all of the people with talent are mean to him. That will make the people who hate us love us.

People Who Hate Reporters:  LOLOLOLOLOL

DJT:  My inauguration will be so elegant. I am known for elegance. Much gold. Much shiny. *goes into trance and drools*

Then he goes on about the problems with the V.A. which…I can’t say I have a beef with that because there are definitely problems. He announces his pick to straighten that out and I’ve never heard of the guy but that doesn’t mean anything. Then he namechecks Cleveland Clinic and I perk up because, oh boy, did they screw up last week.

Cleveland Clinic:  We are world-renowned so everyone should come here for cancer treatment.

Cleveland Clinic Wellness Center:  Vaccines will kill you.

Cancer Patients:  We will literally die if we are around unvaccinated people.

Cleveland Clinic:  Huh. It never occurred to us that dead patients would be bad for business. That is a problem.

Okay, let’s take some questions!

Reporter: Did the heads of the intelligence agencies tell you about the gross, unsubstantiated stuff you unsubstantiatedly didn’t do?

DJT: That is gross fake news by sick, sick people that “never should have entered paper” because that is a thing people say.

He rambles on for years while I make anagrams out of Fake News. Swank Fee and Snake Few.

Reporter: Will you finally admit that Vlad ordered the hacking?

DJT: Eh. I think Russia did it but China, China, China. Nobody cared about the Yahoo hack. Why is this a big deal? Much hacking. Much hacking.

Reporters: Trump Admits Russia Hacked

American people: You make him sound like a normal person sometimes. It’s weird.

Reporter:  How will this color your relationship with Putin?

DJT:  Have I mentioned how much I respect and love him? Isn’t that reassuring that I respect and love him? I will now pivot back to Podesta and Hillary and say the word “horrible” 20 times because I have the best vocabulary.

And then he does the most bizarre thing ever. He slips into some sort of dissociative state and says,

“Can you imagine if Donald Trump got the questions to the debate? That would be the biggest story in the history of stories.”

Reporters: Third person. He’s speaking in the third person. What do we do now?

Me:  George is getting upset!

Reporter: So, like, do you accept that it was Putin? Why won’t you answer that question?

Third person again.

“If Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset not a liability.”

Putin: *bangs head on desk* Did this dumbass really just say ‘asset’?

And then…he says it again! Repeats the asset line. I am simultaneously terrified and impressed by this gang.

Trump Gang: Can we make it any clearer that we do not give a fuck about how any of this looks?

He’s ready for the next question so he becomes King Roland from Spaceballs and waves his little royal pointer finger around before choosing the lucky reporter.

Reporter:  Yo, did you do gross stuff in Moscow and St. Petersburg or not?

He went there! Good for him.

DJT:  My hotel rooms have tiny cameras in them so, no. Also, my Miss Universe pageant did very, very well because people really care about that. Also, I am a germaphobe. Believe me.

Hired extras:  Laugh.

Me: Hey, somebody tell him that urine isn’t actually sterile and see what he does.

Then he goes on and on and lies about having very little debt and no deals and blah blah. Then he tells a bizarre story about a guy from Dubai named Hussein Demac who offered him 2 billion dollars over the weekend and that he totally could have done the deal if he wanted to because:

“As you know, I have a no-conflict situation because I’m President.”

Dear Friends Who Call Me an Alarmist,

WHY AREN’T YOU ALARMED?

Love, Amy

DJT:  Also, Mike Pence doesn’t have rules either since he’s the VEEP. Too bad he’s so sad and broke! *laughs*

Reporter:  Prove that you don’t have conflicts of interest by releasing your tax returns.

DJT:  *lies again with the audit excuse* Reporters are the only ones who care. American people don’t care, obviously. I won so…taste it, bitches.

American People: *raise hands* Um, we kind of care a lot.

DJT:  Not gonna happen. Also, let me brag about how huge and powerful my business is and how I’m handing it over to my sons, Eric and Donald, Jr.

He doesn’t know which son is which either so I feel a little better.  Now he’s handing the mic over to Sheri Dillon, a Russian Law Firm of the Year Lawyer. Because that’s not at all unsettling.

American People: To be honest, it’s a little unsettling.

Trump Gang:  Have we mentioned how much we don’t give a fuck how unsettled you are?

Sheri Dillon then gets up there and starts out with a lie.

Dillon:  Rockefeller had a bunch of dough and nobody hassled him about it.

Old Newspapers:  Rockefeller Offers to Release All Income Tax Information because People and Senators Won’t Stop with the Hassling

Dillon goes on to puff Trump up by calling his business an “empire” and says that conflict of interest laws “simply do not apply to the President or Vice-President.” Well, okay, then. She tells us he’s not going to exploit it and does a roundoff back handspring across the stage to emphasize that point.

Dillon:  Boring boring bullshit. Please have your cameras zoom in on these stacks of fake documents because they represent the Hard Work we put into making it look like Trump is not creating a kleptocracy.

Trump Gang:  LOLOLOLOL. Best kleptocracy evah! *high fives*

Hired Extras:  Yay!

Back to questions.

Softball question from One America Network which is a network that popped up on cable recently and I’m pretty sure the people on it are just pretending to be American. It’s like, if you were to go to a Kremlin website where they were speaking English but they didn’t actually know what the words meant. Anyway, think Breitbart Television or Russia Today.

Another softball about Obamacare from some other reporter. Why aren’t they identifying themselves and why can’t I hear them?

DJT:  I have no idea what to do about Obamacare but I want to get rid of it before anyone figures that out. I will say ‘repeal and replace’ over and over until you get bored. I’m going to “file a plan” that will be far less expensive and far better because people seem to believe it when I say words like that. Also, I think cabinet secretaries are just like my personal secretary, Rhona, because I do not understand how any of this works.

Aaaand yet another softball about tax cuts. This whole production is just that – a production. It’s not a real press conference.

Trump Gang:  Duh.

DJT:  *Brags and lies about jobs.*

Reporter:  Why did you compare intelligence agencies to Nazi Germany? Also, I am going to poke the bear by calling your dumb wall a ‘fence’.

DJT:  *turns red* IT IS NOT A FENCE! *bleargh*

Rambles for years about the wall and Mexico and now I’ll fast-forward because we all know this song and I’m bored. Randomly announces that there’s a church service planned for the day after the election which:

WHAT? Hey reporters, look into that, will ya?

Constitution:  This is exhausting.

DJT: I am going to ream intelligence services and call them disgraceful Nazis for the next week because that is a thing that makes Americans feel safe.

American People:  Not feeling that safe.

DJT: *threatens Buzzfeed and CNN*

CNN Reporter:  Since you’re attacking us, may I ask you a question, Sir?

DJT:  No. Quiet. Don’t be rude. You are fake news.

Constitution: *turns red*

That really happened.

Reporter:  How fast will you lift those sanctions on your Russian boyfriend?

DJT: Deflects by calling Senator Lindsey Graham poor.

BBC Reporter:  Will you quit if any of the money laundering, treason, and pee stuff turns out to be true?

DJT:  You people really don’t get what’s happening here, do you?

Breitbart Reporter:  What reforms do you suggest for media?

Constitution:  *stands up and pulls gun out of 2nd amendment*

DJT:  Something about a moral compass.

Universe:  LOLOLOLOLOL.

He wraps up the last minute by doing jumping jacks and yelling about China, Japan, and Mexico.

And then he makes a grand flourish toward the table with all the blank paper and he does this sad, rehearsed little line where he brings up his sons and says if they don’t do a good job then “they’re fired.”

Eric and Donald, Jr. (Donald, Jr. and Eric?):  We would groan at your dumb dad joke but it’s easier to stand here and look terrified.

American People: Word.

So, that’s a wrap, folks. The first official press conference since the election and possibly the last which makes me think of this:

“Well, Doctor, what have we got – a Republic or a Monarchy?”

Ben Franklin:  A Republic, if you can keep it.”

Hey, Journalists? We’re really counting on you. Good luck and go get ‘em.

Resisting President Butterfat

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Photo credit to…Kermit?

Apologies for stealing the Kermit meme but this has been me since election night:

Me: Trump has stolen my sense of humor. I will never laugh again.

Evil Kermit Me: Trump is 300 pounds worth of material. Buck the fuck up.

Me:  There are no orange jokes or hair jokes left. Also, stop fat shaming.

Evil Kermit Me:  Fine. He has an alter ego named Patriotic Pepe. C’mon, that’s hilarious.

Me:  The most powerful man in the world pretending to be a racist cartoon frog is not funny.

Evil Kermit Me:  Dude. He sits on the toilet in his bathrobe and tweets crazy shit for days – why can’t you squeeze a joke out of that?

Me:  He’s trying to distract us. PAY ATTENTION.

Evil Kermit Me: *eye roll* You know how your dog gazes at you and you think you’re having a moment but then he suddenly turns around and licks his butt?

Me: Trump is a butt licker?

Evil Kermit Me: I’m just trying to say that I think you’re giving him too much credit. And, of course he’s a butt licker.

Me: STOP NORMALIZING HIM.

Evil Kermit Me:  Jesus. Are you out of Xanax?

Me:  *eyes darting* But…rising authoritarianism. RESIST!

Evil Kermit Me:  Get off Twitter and go outside.

Me:  I hate outside.

Evil Kermit Me:  The Resistance is lucky to have you.

Me:  Shut up. By the way, how do you open an off-shore bank account?

So, yeah, the Trump thing has made me a humorless stress ball over the past 3 weeks for many reasons, but mostly because I paid a little bit of attention in history class and it’s not fucking funny that Trump is cozy with actual Neo-Nazis who would happily tell my Jewish children to “get in the oven.” And no, it’s not a comfort to me that it’s Muslims and immigrants they’ll go after first, mainly because I’m not a heartless asshole.

I have a tiny platform where I advocate for science and after the election it seemed sort of pointless and frankly, like a losing battle, but then President Butterfat tweeted out something based on the conspiracy website, Infowars, and I felt myself snap out of it.

Alex Jones of Info Wars: Here is a massive lie about millions of illegal voters because I want website hits.

President Butterfat: *bleargh* Voter Fraud!

Rational Humans: Hey dumbass, you won.

President Butterfat:  *shifty eyes* I am not the president because of Russian hacking!!! *coughs up wig hair*

Rational Humans:  You seem awfully nervous.

Patriotic Pepe: RACIST COMMENT IN ALL CAPS!!!

Rational Humans:  Please stop pretending to be a cartoon frog, Mr. President.

And what does this have to do with science advocacy? Everything because those lovely conspiracy loons who Trump goes to for intel briefings are the same goddamned people who drive the anti-science crazy train. Infowars and Natural News are the same websites that are shared all over Facebook by people who are trying to spread fear about vaccines and GMOs. These websites and many more like them are run by the people who have been working for years to break down our trust in the institutions that are here for our protection – the CDC, the FDA, NIH, and so on. They’ve profited nicely off of fear and now they’ve got their very own commander-in-chief who is doing the same thing.

So, now I get to continue to do what I love, mocking the shit out of bullshit peddlers on the Internet, plus I can add another voice of resistance to the Trump kleptocracy or whatever he and Bannon and their little band of Neo-Nazi friends are planning. Better hold onto your wig, President Butterfat – because I’m in a much better mood.

Now What?

Donald Trump and the election are subjects I’ve intentionally avoided discussing in terms of this blog or ecomodernism. I’ve written about him elsewhere but up until now, I’ve felt that one of the beautiful things about ecomodernism is its potential to be a political bridge – at least in terms of dealing with environmental issues and climate change. I’ve defended the “climate deniers” and tried to put forth the idea that the left pushed them into denialism by attaching a socialist agenda to climate change action. I stand by that but I think I may have been very wrong that the right will ever accept the science on climate change if we could just disentangle the environmental left’s ideology from the solutions.

 I thought maybe we could find common ground with clean air. I thought that we could meet them halfway with technology and an acceptance of moderate capitalism – and maybe we still can do that – but my naïve dreams that the right will accept climate science or care about clean air is dead. (I thought everyone could get on board with clean air but that was stupid – if it looks clean, it is clean – fuck New Dheli, right?) The reality:

There is not going to be a centrist solution to climate change. There is no moderate movement.

It feels hopeless today but maybe it’s not. Trump will probably be okay with clean energy if there’s money to be made. He’ll back nuclear if there’s money to be made. He’ll back any technology if there’s money to be made. His complete lack of character and soullessness might even be useful in certain ways. That’s grasping though. The truth is that climate change action under him is toast – he does not give a shit. And he won’t give a shit unless it affects him personally – which it never will. It won’t even affect his kids (not that I think that’s a concern to him either) because the wealthy will be the last to notice.

One possible silver lining is that he’ll protect American agriculture but that won’t be because he cares about farmers or farmland (although he will want their votes again in 4 years). He’ll support genetic engineering for the sake of biotech companies and the corporations that make snacks so that’s nice I guess – but he won’t spend one second thinking about climate adaptation for crops or humanitarian applications for biotechnology. Humanitarian anything will be a joke under this guy but maybe he won’t stand in the way.

You would think that some sort of economic development for the global poor might possible under a Trump presidency but I doubt it. I’m sure he’s delusional enough to think that he’s going to be responsible for a booming American economy – some of his supporters certainly buy that idea – but he’s never given any indication that he’s concerned with the plight of the rest of the planet. He would probably cock his head to the side like a confused dog if you mentioned energy poverty in the developing world. The upside is that he won’t care enough to stand in the way of poor countries and electricity. The downside is that he also won’t care how dirty it is.

So, what can we do? Ecomodernism is optimistic (which I’m not right now) but it’s also realistic – which we have to be. We’re stuck with Trump [insert your favorite orange insult, I’m tapped out] and a country full of people who think climate change is a joke. The only thing left to do is push forward with developing technology that might help get us out of this mess because in that war of “Capitalism vs. the Climate”, the climate has lost. The faster the people who care about climate change accept that truth, the more effectively we’ll be able to fight the environmental damage that’s coming in the next 4 years. Because, a Donald Trump presidency? Well, that changes everything.

 

blackcube
Everything is not awesome.