This will be the first in a new recap series called Donald Trump’s Perfectly Normal Press Conferences. Since he may never do a press conference again, it might also be the end of the series.
Scene 1: An Atrium
White guys in suits bring out piles of manila folders and stack them on a table next to the podium which has a sign on it that says:
Office of the President-Elect
New York, New York
Is that normal? Did Obama have this same sign with Chicago, Illinois on it? I’m not looking for that right now because I don’t care since I’m too fascinated by these guys who are fiddling with folders and trying to look busy.
Guy in blue suit: I’m sort of done here but I’m going to keep stacking because reporters are trying to peek.
Guy in shirt sleeves: Let’s mess them up a little. They represent Hard Work.
Guy in blue suit: These reporters really want to look at them.
Guy in shirt sleeves: It’s just blank paper inside folders. Get this scary looking guy to guard the table. Also, keep looking busy.
Scary guy: I will scowl and look big so reporters won’t look at all of this blank paper inside of these blank file folders.
Random reporter: I am very excited about these file folders. Maybe these are…THE TAX RETURNS!
Random reporter: Kellyanne Conway said that this press conference is so popular that they had to turn away reporters! She always says true things.
Hired extras: Claps
Reporters: *look around* Who is clapping?
Kellyanne Conway: Those are totally not hired extras brought in to make Trump feel popular.
Reporters: That is a perfectly normal thing to do at a press conference.
Scene 2: Chatty Anchors Chat
Killing time while the camera zooms in on the podium, the piles of blank folders, and the 10 giant flags, the chatty anchors chat about how this is the first press conference since Donald made that hilarious joke where he asked Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. What’s so funny is that they did!
Then chatty anchors talk about the intelligence dossier released by Buzzfeed.
Anchor 1: I really, really want to talk about the intelligence dossier so I’m going to say the word ‘unsubstantiated’ 100 times in order to cover my own ass.
Anchor 2: Yes. Let’s do back flips while spelling out the word ‘unsubstantiated’ in flaming letters.
Anchor 1: It’s killing me to not talk about pee.
Anchor 2: Same. *Does backbend and sings ‘unsubstantiated’.
Scene 3: Power Couple Sighting!
Steve Bannon: I am a genetically superior white man. This constant state of flop sweat is intentional.
Jared Kushner: You are very sexy with your manly flop sweat. Also, I am going to work for free and make zero dollars because I love my country.
Bannon and Kushner: LOLOLOLOL *make out*
Scene 4: Grand Entrance of Future First Family Except for Melania and those Other Kids
Reporter 1: *whispers* Where’s Melania?
Reporter 2: Dude. Hookers peed on her husband in a totally unsubstantiated way. Leave her alone.
Donald, Sr, wearing a crisp white shirt, red tie, and a navy coat looks angry but determined with his fresh blowout and tanning bed goggle mask. The coat is very billowy – probably to hide the Kevlar vest and Bannon’s emergency chicken wings.
Eric and Donald, Jr. (I still don’t know which is which but it doesn’t matter) have the same pomaded hairdos but combed in opposite directions. One of them is sporting a pink shirt and blue tie and the other is possibly in a green shirt but he’s hiding behind his sister so I can’t tell.)
Ivanka: I am absolutely not plotting to poison these 3 men. At all.
The scary guy with the scowl is still standing in front of the file folders with the reams of blank paper in them. His face might be stuck in a permanent glowering position so I get distracted thinking about what a few cc’s of Botox would do for his “11” lines.
Scene 5: Sean Spicer!
Spicer, rocking the Giuliani haircut, tiptoes to reach the podium and it’s cute, like he’s doing really well at a spelling bee. Does anyone call him Scooter? They should. He whines for a bit about Mainstream Media and Fake News which are squares in Alt-Right Bingo (tm @NoFilterAlexa I think) and then he conflates the substantiated CNN story with the Buzzfeed story.
Scooter: Freedom of the Press is important but…
Constitution: There’s no “but”.
He tells us he’s going to introduce a woman whose law firm is responsible for all of those file folders with the blank paper. A quick Twitter search tells us that this law firm is so awesome that its Moscow branch won Law Firm of the Year. Yay! [I’ve got to hand it to this crowd with their IDGAF attitude about optics.]
Then he goes on a little tear that should be the signal to journalists that it’s okay to report on the unsubstantiated dossier now. He brought it up, y’all, so get to it. Hint: Maybe check into more of the thing that rhymes with Honey Laundering rather than the one that rhymes with Golden Towers.
Scooter yammers on about Fake News and Witch Hunts because of Russia Today talking points then introduces the guy next to him. Mike Pence! Scooter glares at the hired extras.
Hired Extras: Shit! Sorry we zoned out while you were talking. Yay!
Scene 6: Mike Pence
Clad in a perfect suit and purple tie with his white Lego guy hair, he looks like he came out of the Romney President Factory. If he would just keep his mouth shut and change his opinion on everything, I would probably like him. He doesn’t seem insane and erratic which is such a relief compared to his boss. But then he blows it with the Fake News blah, blah, blah and I stop loving him.
Close up shot on Donald, Sr. Whoa. He looks nervous. He stares directly into the pool camera and purses up his little lips. It’s chilling. The sons look pissed. Scary bodyguard is giving me a headache. I want to pet his eyebrows.
Back to Pence:
Pence: Freedom of the Press is important but…
Constitution: Seriously, guys, there’s no “but”.
Scene 7: DJT Shrek-Walks to Podium
Hired extras: *shriek and clap*
Reporters: This is not at all like a banana republic.
DJT: *makes weird facial movements* We won the election because I used to give daily press conferences but then I asked Russia to hack Hillary and you guys got all huffy about that so I had to pout for 6 months. Also, my attorney, Michael Cohen, told me to shut fuck up. Hi Mike!
He goes on and on with words and I get another Fake News bingo chip while he threatens the intelligence community and freedom of the press.
DJT: I have great respect for news and freedom of the press but…
Constitution: Say “but” one more time. I dare you.
Then he tells the news organizations that didn’t release the unsubstantiated dossier about money laundering and urinating that they were “so professional that I’ve just gone up a notch on what I think of you, okay?” I had to rewind that a few times so I’m not sure I got that exactly right. It’s a weird thing for a dude who’s about to take an oath to protect the FREEDOM OF THE PRESS to say, isn’t it?
Hired extras: Yeah, baby. Clap clap clap.
Reporters: This is becoming a teensy bit like that time we were in Turkey, amirite?
DJT: I am going to brag about car companies and take credit for things I didn’t do for a minute. Big, big factory. Tremendous. *weird face*
Hang on. How did I not notice that he can’t pronounce words? We are going to make beeyons of dollars on many, many inDUSTries, especially on aeroplanes. Did he always do this? Maybe he’s just nervous about that whole unsubstantiated report about pee and treason. I would be. [Hi, Mike! Notice how I emphasized the unsubstantiated part?]
DJT: *rambles about people nobody has ever heard of*
American People: Who the hell are Jack Ma and Mr. Arno and why are they so tremendous?
And then he says, without laughing,
“I will be the greatest jobs producer that God ever created. I mean that.”
The level of ridicule that statement requires is way above my pay grade so I’ll leave it to the professional mockers.
DJT: My inauguration is going to have great talent. Tremendous. I don’t care that all of the people with talent hate me.
Reporters: We should write one thousand words about how he won because all of the people with talent are mean to him. That will make the people who hate us love us.
People Who Hate Reporters: LOLOLOLOLOL
DJT: My inauguration will be so elegant. I am known for elegance. Much gold. Much shiny. *goes into trance and drools*
Then he goes on about the problems with the V.A. which…I can’t say I have a beef with that because there are definitely problems. He announces his pick to straighten that out and I’ve never heard of the guy but that doesn’t mean anything. Then he namechecks Cleveland Clinic and I perk up because, oh boy, did they screw up last week.
Cleveland Clinic: We are world-renowned so everyone should come here for cancer treatment.
Cleveland Clinic Wellness Center: Vaccines will kill you.
Cancer Patients: We will literally die if we are around unvaccinated people.
Cleveland Clinic: Huh. It never occurred to us that dead patients would be bad for business. That is a problem.
Okay, let’s take some questions!
Reporter: Did the heads of the intelligence agencies tell you about the gross, unsubstantiated stuff you unsubstantiatedly didn’t do?
DJT: That is gross fake news by sick, sick people that “never should have entered paper” because that is a thing people say.
He rambles on for years while I make anagrams out of Fake News. Swank Fee and Snake Few.
Reporter: Will you finally admit that Vlad ordered the hacking?
DJT: Eh. I think Russia did it but China, China, China. Nobody cared about the Yahoo hack. Why is this a big deal? Much hacking. Much hacking.
Reporters: Trump Admits Russia Hacked
American people: You make him sound like a normal person sometimes. It’s weird.
Reporter: How will this color your relationship with Putin?
DJT: Have I mentioned how much I respect and love him? Isn’t that reassuring that I respect and love him? I will now pivot back to Podesta and Hillary and say the word “horrible” 20 times because I have the best vocabulary.
And then he does the most bizarre thing ever. He slips into some sort of dissociative state and says,
“Can you imagine if Donald Trump got the questions to the debate? That would be the biggest story in the history of stories.”
Reporters: Third person. He’s speaking in the third person. What do we do now?
Me: George is getting upset!
Reporter: So, like, do you accept that it was Putin? Why won’t you answer that question?
Third person again.
“If Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset not a liability.”
Putin: *bangs head on desk* Did this dumbass really just say ‘asset’?
And then…he says it again! Repeats the asset line. I am simultaneously terrified and impressed by this gang.
Trump Gang: Can we make it any clearer that we do not give a fuck about how any of this looks?
He’s ready for the next question so he becomes King Roland from Spaceballs and waves his little royal pointer finger around before choosing the lucky reporter.
Reporter: Yo, did you do gross stuff in Moscow and St. Petersburg or not?
He went there! Good for him.
DJT: My hotel rooms have tiny cameras in them so, no. Also, my Miss Universe pageant did very, very well because people really care about that. Also, I am a germaphobe. Believe me.
Hired extras: Laugh.
Me: Hey, somebody tell him that urine isn’t actually sterile and see what he does.
Then he goes on and on and lies about having very little debt and no deals and blah blah. Then he tells a bizarre story about a guy from Dubai named Hussein Demac who offered him 2 billion dollars over the weekend and that he totally could have done the deal if he wanted to because:
“As you know, I have a no-conflict situation because I’m President.”
Dear Friends Who Call Me an Alarmist,
WHY AREN’T YOU ALARMED?
DJT: Also, Mike Pence doesn’t have rules either since he’s the VEEP. Too bad he’s so sad and broke! *laughs*
Reporter: Prove that you don’t have conflicts of interest by releasing your tax returns.
DJT: *lies again with the audit excuse* Reporters are the only ones who care. American people don’t care, obviously. I won so…taste it, bitches.
American People: *raise hands* Um, we kind of care a lot.
DJT: Not gonna happen. Also, let me brag about how huge and powerful my business is and how I’m handing it over to my sons, Eric and Donald, Jr.
He doesn’t know which son is which either so I feel a little better. Now he’s handing the mic over to Sheri Dillon, a Russian Law Firm of the Year Lawyer. Because that’s not at all unsettling.
American People: To be honest, it’s a little unsettling.
Trump Gang: Have we mentioned how much we don’t give a fuck how unsettled you are?
Sheri Dillon then gets up there and starts out with a lie.
Dillon: Rockefeller had a bunch of dough and nobody hassled him about it.
Old Newspapers: Rockefeller Offers to Release All Income Tax Information because People and Senators Won’t Stop with the Hassling
Dillon goes on to puff Trump up by calling his business an “empire” and says that conflict of interest laws “simply do not apply to the President or Vice-President.” Well, okay, then. She tells us he’s not going to exploit it and does a roundoff back handspring across the stage to emphasize that point.
Dillon: Boring boring bullshit. Please have your cameras zoom in on these stacks of fake documents because they represent the Hard Work we put into making it look like Trump is not creating a kleptocracy.
Trump Gang: LOLOLOLOL. Best kleptocracy evah! *high fives*
Hired Extras: Yay!
Back to questions.
Softball question from One America Network which is a network that popped up on cable recently and I’m pretty sure the people on it are just pretending to be American. It’s like, if you were to go to a Kremlin website where they were speaking English but they didn’t actually know what the words meant. Anyway, think Breitbart Television or Russia Today.
Another softball about Obamacare from some other reporter. Why aren’t they identifying themselves and why can’t I hear them?
DJT: I have no idea what to do about Obamacare but I want to get rid of it before anyone figures that out. I will say ‘repeal and replace’ over and over until you get bored. I’m going to “file a plan” that will be far less expensive and far better because people seem to believe it when I say words like that. Also, I think cabinet secretaries are just like my personal secretary, Rhona, because I do not understand how any of this works.
Aaaand yet another softball about tax cuts. This whole production is just that – a production. It’s not a real press conference.
Trump Gang: Duh.
DJT: *Brags and lies about jobs.*
Reporter: Why did you compare intelligence agencies to Nazi Germany? Also, I am going to poke the bear by calling your dumb wall a ‘fence’.
DJT: *turns red* IT IS NOT A FENCE! *bleargh*
Rambles for years about the wall and Mexico and now I’ll fast-forward because we all know this song and I’m bored. Randomly announces that there’s a church service planned for the day after the election which:
WHAT? Hey reporters, look into that, will ya?
Constitution: This is exhausting.
DJT: I am going to ream intelligence services and call them disgraceful Nazis for the next week because that is a thing that makes Americans feel safe.
American People: Not feeling that safe.
DJT: *threatens Buzzfeed and CNN*
CNN Reporter: Since you’re attacking us, may I ask you a question, Sir?
DJT: No. Quiet. Don’t be rude. You are fake news.
Constitution: *turns red*
That really happened.
Reporter: How fast will you lift those sanctions on your Russian boyfriend?
DJT: Deflects by calling Senator Lindsey Graham poor.
BBC Reporter: Will you quit if any of the money laundering, treason, and pee stuff turns out to be true?
DJT: You people really don’t get what’s happening here, do you?
Breitbart Reporter: What reforms do you suggest for media?
Constitution: *stands up and pulls gun out of 2nd amendment*
DJT: Something about a moral compass.
He wraps up the last minute by doing jumping jacks and yelling about China, Japan, and Mexico.
And then he makes a grand flourish toward the table with all the blank paper and he does this sad, rehearsed little line where he brings up his sons and says if they don’t do a good job then “they’re fired.”
Eric and Donald, Jr. (Donald, Jr. and Eric?): We would groan at your dumb dad joke but it’s easier to stand here and look terrified.
American People: Word.
So, that’s a wrap, folks. The first official press conference since the election and possibly the last which makes me think of this:
“Well, Doctor, what have we got – a Republic or a Monarchy?”
Ben Franklin: A Republic, if you can keep it.”
Hey, Journalists? We’re really counting on you. Good luck and go get ‘em.