Happy New Year! happy-new-year-champagne

I was going to do a schmaltzy round up of 2016 set to keening background music about the friends we’ve loved and lost and blobbedy blob blob but I decided not to because who the fuck really cares at this point? (We have more important things to worry about – at least until Putin releases those tapes.) I’ll leave the sap to others because the only thing I can think about now is how I want to beat the shit out of the word ‘Elite’.

Elite needs to DIE. It’s the most overused, trite, insulting, meaningless flaming turd of a word that has ever existed. Worse than that – it’s lazy. You are a lazy piece of writerly shit if you are still using that word in 2017 unless you are referring to Nike socks or maybe a kids’ soccer league. Stop using it or I might hunt you down and bash you in the head with your keyboard.

Whew – that felt good to say. Also, I won’t really bash your head in because that would require seeing your lazy-word-using ass in person.

Whiny Conservatives:  *waaaaah* Little Snowflake hates being called an elite.

Whiny Liberals:  *waaaaah* Calling liberals ‘elite’ proves I am better than other liberals.

Dumb pundits have wasted infinity-something words trying to explain about how out of touch intellectual elites are or how Republican elites can’t control Donald Trump or how coastal elites need to reach out and try to understand Real Americans from flat states. All of those words would be super helpful if ‘elite’ actually meant anything but it doesn’t. It’s just a way to discredit experts or dismiss people who don’t agree with you.

When you’re writing the millionth story or country song about how Trump Tapped into White Working Class Anger, perhaps the Elites Just Don’t Understand ballad makes that anger sound more noble or something.

WWC Angry Person:  I am angry because automation made my job disappear.

Trump:  Mexicans and Muslims did that.

WWC Angry Person:  I have never met a Mexican or a Muslim but that makes total sense. Now I am even angrier so I will scare the shit out of Mexicans and Muslims.

Dumb Pundits:  Here are one million words about how people who live near oceans are too elite and out of touch to understand why WWC Angry People hate Mexicans and Muslims.

Maybe I’m just confused because I live in Trumpville, Florida where we’re neither flat and rural or cool and urban. We’re just frizzy hair and swamps. We have lots of the toothless Trump fans with their Tiny Penis pickup trucks and rebel flags but for the most part, the Trump stickers are on the luxury cars at the country club and the signs were in the yards of waterfront estates. I want reporters to come down here and make sense of these voters and how misunderstood they are. Bless their private jet loving little hearts.

Because this is how hard it is to tell the difference here in North Florida between these people and the out-of-touch elites:

Out-of-Touch Elites vs. Misunderstood Trump Voters in Jacksonville, Florida

Elite Doctor:  I read boring fiction and drink white wine.

Misunderstood Trump Supporter Doctor:  I play golf and have a wine locker at Ruth’s Chris. I hate elites who read boring books.

Elite Scientist:  I know everything about everything. I drive a Subaru.

Misunderstood Trump Supporter Scientist:  I know everything about everything. I drive a Suburban. I hate elites who drive liberal cars.

Man in Tacky Tommy Bahama Shirt:  I make $500,000 a year selling obscure financial products.  I am elite because I know what derivatives are.

Man in Tacky Guy Harvey T-shirt:  I make $500,000 a year selling fake knees. I am a Real American because I can bait a hook. I hate elites who can’t fish.

Elite Lawyer:  I am African American.

Misunderstood Trump Supporter Lawyer:  I am white.

Blonde Elite Mom:  I give money to Planned Parenthood. My dog and children always have jelly on their faces.

Blonde Misunderstood Trump Supporter Mom: I have perfect Christmas cards where my whole family wears crisp khakis and white shirts on the beach. I hate elites and brown people but I love the unborn.

Trump Supporter with Confederate Flag and Red Hat:  Elites think they’re smarter and better than me. I hate everybody.

Everybody:  Literally everyone is an elite compared to you. Go fuck yourself.

The End

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest maybe I’ll think of something inspiring and hopeful to write about 2017 tomorrow if I’m not too hung over.  Hope everyone has a good night. Here’s to good friends and, uh, new vocabulary words in 2017? Love, Amy