Every Halloween…

Me: I’ll stay home and hand out candy while you take the kids trick-or-treating.

Husband:  I hate you.

Me: Later, sucker.

For 2 solid hours:

Doorbell: BING BONG


Me: *sing-songy voice* Oooh! It’s Spider-Man and Elsa! Take 3 pieces! *shuts door*

Me: Motherfucking fuckity fuck. Make it stop.


Halloween is the worst. Kids turn into little basket cases in superhero unitards who run screaming in front of cars so you basically spend the entire night making sure they don’t die. Then you get to come home and fight about candy until Christmas because it’s 2016 and Sugar is Satan.

Health Bloggers: Sugar will kill you.

Everyone:  We’ve heard.

Health Bloggers: No, like, it will really, really kill you this time.

Everyone: How?

Health Bloggers: It alters your…MICROBIOME.

Everyone: *screams*

Health Bloggers:  And gives you all of the cancers.

Everyone: *gasps*

Health Bloggers:  Buy my all-natural, GMO-free shit and uh, my coconut oil.

Everyone:  *moo* Take our money.

I have no idea if sugar will truly kill you above and beyond the usual death you catch from missing nutrients or obesity. Maybe it does. What I do know for sure though is that it causes cavities and that it gets on my last nerve when I have to negotiate how many pieces my kids can eat each day. It also annoys me that I taught them to count so now my kids know when I’ve stolen the good stuff out of their little plastic pumpkins.

There is a silver lining to Halloween this year though. Thanks to about 10 killjoy food activists with a lot of time on their hands, some candy companies have pledged to make their candy GMO-free. THANK GOD. We are experiencing a true Halloween Candy Renaissance.

10 Bored Food Activists: We are an army who can write one thousand letters and call candy companies all day long about GMOs.

Candy Company: These are scary food activists. We better alter our entire business based on the 10 people who care about GMOs in Halloween candy.

Everyone: We care about literally everything more than we care about GMOs in Halloween candy.

Candy Company:  Look! We did it. We have GMO-free Halloween candy.

Everyone: Seriously. We don’t care.

10 Bored Food Activists:  Haha! *dialing* Also, here are 1000 letters about evil sugar.

Candy Company: But we fired American farmers for you!

10 Bored Food Activists:  Later, suckers.

So, this Halloween will be just like every other Halloween – fun for the kids and a nightmare for the dog and me. But the candy is the same thing it always was – candy. It may have a shiny new Non-GMO marketing label designed to trick you into thinking there’s something healthy happening under that wrapper but remember, GMO-free candy isn’t any better for you. It’s tasty and fun to steal from your kids while they sleep but it won’t make your kids any smarter or your hair any shinier. It will also rot your teeth and make you gain weight if you eat too much. GMO-free chocolate will still kill your dog and you can still choke to death on a GMO-free gumball. And on that cheerful note, Happy Halloween, y’all!