IMG_1201The U.S. Senate passed a mandatory GMO labeling bill this week based on a compromise (gasp) and everybody is unhappy so, hooray for bipartisanship! The bill lets companies disclose genetically engineered ingredients through a QR code, words, or pictures. The reactions from anti-GMO activists and various parties involved in the GMO Labeling Wankfest have been great:

Anti-GMO Activists: *whining* We have spent one gazillion dollars and all the years of our lives demanding a mandatory GMO label. But we don’t want that one – it has boring old words.

Organic Consumer Association:  But we wanted skulls and crossbones! A GMO label is supposed to say ‘CONTAINS TOXIC SLUDGE’, goddammit!

Center for Food Safety: QR Codes? Labels with boring words? Poor people and mothers are too stupid to read boring words or use phones. This is discrimination!

The Non-GMO Project:  *Tries to sell butterfly logo on Craigslist*

Stonyfield Yogurt:  *crying* Why does everybody hate us? We just wanted to sell more yogurt.

Whole Foods: We do not care if anyone hates us because we have 14 billion dollars.

The Food Babe:  How does this affect me? I am bored. I will blackmail Stevia now. *tweezes eyebrows*

Pro-GMO Activists: *frowny faces* But we wanted to see Vermont become Venezuela in order to prove a point. Boo.

Science Journalists: *teary-eyed* You mean this wasn’t about a consumer’s right to know stuff? This is so confusing.

Me:  Ha ha. Taste it, Bitches.

Just kidding about the last. Sort of. I like compromise and bipartisanship so I think it’s awesome when everyone is miserable. Labeling is useless but this issue isn’t going away so let’s just get it over with, move on, and enjoy watching people act like they’re too stupid for QR codes. It’ll be fun! It’ll also be fun to see how the antis will play this. Mandatory labeling was never about a consumer’s right to know what’s in their food – that was just the way it was marketed. Who would argue against consumer’s wanting to know stuff, right? Well, now they will know and guess what? It’s not enough. This label was always about either an outright ban or just, you know, selling some yogurt at Whole Foods.

So, here’s the breakdown of misery:

The Gardening with Goats and Hoes Anti-GMOers

The Gardening with Goats people aren’t going to be happy until there’s no such thing as agricultural technology. Tech is an affront to Jesus, Princess GAIA, Fran Drescher’s husband, random deities – no matter who or what they worship – Labels with Boring Words and QR codes are, like, totally insulting to their dreams of ancient grains and gingham jam jars. One of these Goat People is Bernie Sander’s pal, Jeffrey Smith (the genius behind the Vermont labeling law) and he thinks seeds grow better if you talk dirty to them plus he literally thinks he can fly. (Yes, a serious contender for president consulted a flying carpet guy on legislation – 2016 is so weird.) Doesn’t matter though because QR codes and boring old labels with words are not going to get it done for these guys. They want that icky shit banned. Science be damned. Speaking of Bernie:

Bernie Sanders Accidentally Demonstrates Why GMO Labeling is Stupid

Bernie’s picture of M&Ms and Coke on Twitter this week says everything you need to know about why GMO labeling is stupid. He’s all, “Waaah! Look how hard these labels are to understand!” Let me try to slow this down for stubborn old Bernie:

The genetically engineered ingredients in your Coke and M&Ms are not the problem with your Coke and M&Ms. The problem is that they are COKE AND M&Ms. Even if they did not contain genetically engineered ingredients, they would still be the exact same COKE and M&Ms. In other words, you’re still eating shit.

Still confused? The label doesn’t tell you anything. Also, NOBODY CARES. The people who are running around, slobbering about their right to know, don’t eat that shit anyway. And they don’t actually care about the environment or they wouldn’t be fighting against GMOs in the first place. Environmental concern, just like the right-to-know bullshit, is just another way to market the idea of labeling – then banning – GMOs. (By the way, the sugarcane industry here in Florida thanks anti-GMOers for throwing business their way by vilifying the GMO sugar beet. We love our green algae beaches.)

Anti-GMO Activists with Skin(Cash) in the Game

Finally,  we have the good ol’ U.S.A. capitalist anti-GMOers like Whole Foods and Stonyfield Yogurt who just wanted to gain some market share. These antis are the organic industry folks who sold out to the Big Food companies behind the new bill. Or something. It’s kind of boring. Anyway, these poor slobs aligned themselves with the Goats and Hoes crew to try to make GMO labels mandatory so that they could scare people into buying more organic cookies and yogurt. I think their bosses at Big Food were finally like, “Yo, lose the crazypants friends,” so they sucked it up and compromised on the Labels with Boring Words and QR Codes. They’re not happy. Goats and Hoes hate them – they’re calling them traitors. It’s sad. Not really. Taste it, bitches.